The person I lost never believed any of it, and that thought wakes me at three in the morning. Is there anything honest I can hold on to here?

“That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

Abraham stands in front of God arguing over the fate of a whole city, and he presses hard on whether the judge of everything can be counted on to be just. The remarkable thing is that God lets him argue and never rebukes the question. Abraham does not get the outcome he was pushing for, but he walks away settled about God's character. That is a different comfort than certainty, and it carries weight at night.

“And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.”

Luke alone records the criminal beside Jesus who manages one broken sentence in the final hour of his life and is told he will be in paradise that day. Luke's Gospel is full of people met at the edges and well past the deadline. It tells you nothing about what happened in someone else's last hours, and that unknowing is genuinely painful, but it does show how little God requires.